The Dirty Dozen – Geoff Le Pard!

Welcome to the final interview in this week’s blog-straganza of Dirty Dozen interviews for #ComedyBookWeek!

On the principle of saving the best (purple beard) till last, today is the turn of Geoff Le Pard!

1 – Hi Geoff, do you remember how you came across my blog?

I think it would be the 99 word flash if you do Charli Mills prompts, or maybe it was poetry? In truth I have no real clue. Maybe it’s some sort of punishment. Or do you owe me some money? I follow my debtors. After dark mostly.

(AL – I remember bonding over a sonnet I wrote… I don’t believe I owe you any money, so you can have your evenings back, you’ll be pleased to know! I read a lot of blogs, and a lot of stories, but this one from Geoff a few weeks ago couldn’t be more up my street if it had been called Alistair Lane… it’s dark and hilarious – bookmark this for a read if you haven’t already had the pleasure:

2 – You, in three words?

The second person

3 – The last book/ film/ or album that made you cry

Joni Mitchell – Both Sides Now

4 – Where are you now on your writer’s journey ?

Well, three books published – two novels and one anthology. Maybe a third novel by the time this is hitting the press – it’s due in July. I have four other books that I need to edit into shape and two three-quarter books I need to finish.

I’m found on and @geofflepard, not that I get twitter.
My books are on Amazon here:


5 – One quote about writing that you are sick of hearing, or that really doesn’t do it for you?

“I am an aspiring writer” – if you write you are writer. Same way as there is a fixation with being published traditionally as if that means you are a better writer than someone who isn’t. Snobbery, people, is as unwelcome as a fart in a crowded lift.

Snobbery, people, is as unwelcome as a fart in a crowded lift.

6 – Two true facts about you, and one lie….

I am five foot ten tall; I am five foot eleven tall; I am six foot tall. If this seems absurd then (a) it is and (b) officially two have been recorded as true

(AL – Are you slightly telescopic??)

7 – The zombies rise and take over the world. You have five minutes to pack a bag and hit the road… You’ve got the essentials – water, tent, sleeping bag, vitamins, toothpaste, copy of Al’s zombie haiku book (coming soon to all good Amazon websites)… What else do you grab?

Nail clippers. I can’t stand a hangnail or a flaky piece of skin round my fingers. Just saying

8 – Who would play you in the movie of your life? 

Robin Williams, maybe in Mrs Doubtfire mode. I think Kubrick might direct or Gilliam. The screenplay would be Alan Bennett. The music a mash up between The Bonzo Dog Doodah Band with Karen Carpenter on vocals and Mark Knopfler on guitar. The romantic lead needs clearance from senior a management; such things are above my pay grade. It would aim to be a comedy in the style of the Carry On Monty Python

(AL – I’d always wondered what Kubrick’s take on a Carry On film would have been like… glad I wasn’t alone in this)


9 – Doc Emmett Brown pulls up outside your house in the DeLorean from Back to the Future… He’s got a few hours to spare, and fuel for one return trip… Where and when in time are you heading?

Sometime in 2000 so I can tell my dad to get his sodding prostate checked; had he done so he would probably still be alive

10 – Your beloved partner is out for the evening, and your celebrity “pass” is popping round for tea. (You know, the one celebrity who your partner would allow you to spend a night with, without it being considered cheating… that’s a thing, right?) Who knocks on your door?

Again I need management’s sanction for this. But assuming the Board is feeling generous, Kathleen Turner, around the time of the War of the Roses film. I make a rather cracking lemon drizzle cake with peanut butter and choc chip ice cream. We would listen to Je Ne Regrette Rien on a loop and it would all rather fall apart when, as is customary I doze off in front of whatever is on the TV

(AL – I contacted management about this one, and they were extremely keen. They then muttered something about “fair’s fair”, and started reeling off a long list of their own… I’ll leave that one with you!)

11 – The producers of the Marvel Avengers films are worried they don’t have quite enough superheroes already crammed into the series… They call you up to play an original character. What would your character’s name be? What’s your superpower?

The Geoffle, as I seem to have been christened by a blogger or ten. My power would be to turn off all mobile devices, especially on public transport and make people talk to each other.

(AL – a hero who would be greeted with wild jubilation on every journey!)

12 – You are hosting a small dinner party for the deceased… You can invite three dead people to your shindig, but you only have enough spectral energy for one mega-star “A-lister”, and any two others. Who do you summon, and why?

As a youngster I remember laughing pretty much constantly at David Niven’s anecdotes. Is he A list enough? My Uncle Ted was always good value to have to dinner and Nat King Cole just to hear his voice – him or Richard Burton for the same reason…

13 – Any regrets?

Apart from doing this? I don’t suppose that is original. Nope nothing that matters. I regret not opening the batting for England but given my age I’d have probably faced Malcolm Marshall and been decapitated so maybe that was a bullet dodged.

A huge thank you to Geoff for being such a great sport (even if not in the cricketing sense). I’m going to go and buy his books now, and hope you will too!


Thank you also to everyone for reading and following these interviews. I enjoy them hugely, and hope you do too! I’m taking a little break with these until September, but if you are interested in taking on the Dirty Dozen then please drop me an email, or let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear what you’d say!



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Author: Al Lane

Writer, Poet, Daydreamer

43 thoughts on “The Dirty Dozen – Geoff Le Pard!”

  1. A wonderful ending to this fun series. It’s been great seeing how people respond, and think outside the box when you’re probing them with your absurdities. I need to add nail clippers to my survival list immediately!! Oh, the horrors of the hang nail. 🙂

  2. You finished perfectly with Geoff, leaving us on a high note, Al, and wanting more!
    I love Geoff’s dry humour and any one that loves a Carry On film is ok in my book. Oh, and I can vouch that Geoff is tall, but then everyone is compared to me!

    1. Haha! I’m so pleased that Geoff agreed to do this. The only thing I would disagree on is about him being tall, but that’s only because you’d probably think me “circus freak” tall when we meet! 🙂

  3. A writer is a writer, well said. But, there is still a big difference between a Geoff Le Pard and a me. 🙂 Impressive resume, Geoff! You would choose nail clippers while you could use your teeth for such “trimmings”? Unless we are talking about toe nails, of course. A man of basic needs who prefers personal warmth above cool gadgets is a man to my heart… 🙂

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