The Dirty Dozen – Steve Vernon!

Welcome!

As part of #ComedyBookWeek, I’ve lined up some of the freshest, funniest writers around, and subjected them each to the Dirty Dozen treatment.

Today, it’s the turn of Steve Vernon to take the hotseat.

1. Welcome, Steve! How did you happen to come across my blog?

Are you kidding me? My grandparents used to tell stories about Al Lane, back in the old country. “Watch out for men like that,” my old grandfather warned me. “Such men are dangerous.”

Actually, I came to your blog in a very typical male-fashion. Somebody pointed me in that direction and I just followed my nose until I got there. Ana Spoke from Comedy Book Week (July 16-23) caught me by my digital ear and said “Go and talk to Al!”

Someday I am going to have to pay her back for doing this to me.

In spades.

(AL – Steve has offered to reciprocate and host me on his blog later in the year, so that “pay back” offer may come sooner rather than later!)

2 – You, in three words?

Windbag at large.

Cowboy Steve
Made-up fact – Woody from Toy Story was modelled on this shot of Steve

3 – The last book/ film/ or album that made you cry?

Jeff Bridges in CRAZY HEART. John Wayne in THE SHOOTIST. Mickey Rourke in THE WRESTLER. Bruce Willis making the ultimate sacrifice in ARMAGEDDON. John Travolta in PHENOMENON. John Wayne in THE COWBOYS. Oh, and THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY – both book AND movie.

I know, I know, there is no accounting for taste.

4 – Where are you now on your writer’s journey?

Wow – talk about lowering the drawbridge and inviting the barbarians to charge on inside. Well, I’m not going stand here on ceremony. With seven traditionally published books and FIFTY independently published books I can tell you about a lot of different books – but let’s just keep things simple and just talk about the two books that I am actively promoting as a part of Comedy Book Week.

I’d like to talk about KELPIE DREAMS – my paranormal shoot-em-up romance. Yes, I’ve created my own genre. Yes, the folks at Kindle Press who released my e-book are still shaking their heads.

Meet Lady Macbeth—a high school librarian, ex-assassin, and part-time kelpie, whose mother wanted to name her Hemorrhoid at birth. Now she has to take on a Sea Hag—eight legs of Godzilla-ugly poured into a bucket full of meanness—with the help of a one-woman army named Rhonda, a 200-year-old Sea Captain, and a hunky lighthouse keeper who won’t admit that he’s dead as well. KELPIE DREAMS is a funny, action-packed, paranormal shoot-em-up romance novel for folks who HATE to read romance novels.

KELPIE DREAMS = https://amzn.com/B01CYNM152

The second book that I am actively promoting as a part of Comedy Book Week would be the modestly titled UNCLE BOB’S RED FLANNEL BIBLE CAMP: FROM EDEN TO THE ARK.

Let me tell you about this book. If you really want to know what happened on the day Noah built that big old floating zoo you REALLY ought to talk to Uncle Bob. While you are at it get him to fill you in on all of the inside information on what REALLY went on in the Garden of Eden – because he knows that too. This is the story of the Old Testament as retold by the red flannel storyteller his-own-self – namely, Uncle Bob.

Here’s what a few folks had to say.
“I laughed until I cried.” – Veronica Dorval
“One of the most refreshing interpretations of the Book of Genesis that I have read in a long while.” – S.D. Hintz
“Jeff Foxworthy REALLY should have written the introduction.” – Christine S. Tryon

UNCLE BOB’S RED FLANNEL BIBLE CAMP: FROM EDEN TO THE ARK
https://www.amazon.com/Uncle-Bobs-Flannel-Bible-Camp-ebook/dp/B00IQYT45Y

(AL – The Uncle Bob book will be FREE from the 16th to the 18th – so what have you got to lose?)

Uncle Bob's Red Flannel Bible Camp - From Eden to the Ark

Twitter – https://twitter.com/StephenVernon
Blog – https://stevevernonstoryteller.wordpress.com/
Amazon Author Page – http://www.amazon.com/Steve-Vernon/e/B002BMD282/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_ebooks_1

5 – One piece of writing advice, or quote about writing, that you are sick of hearing, or that really doesn’t do it for you

Write every day. Shoot, I don’t do ANYTHING every day. Brushing my teeth, putting on pants, waking up – NONE of these naturally happen in my life every freaking day! Heck, I’ve gone for entire weeks without even bothering to take a breath.

6 – Two true facts about you, and one lie….

I have hitchhiked across Canada – in both directions.
I have pitched a circus big top and have ridden on an elephant, a camel AND a horse.
I have read palms professionally for television celebrities.

You decide which one of those three statements is the lie.

7 – The zombies rise and take over the world. You have five minutes to pack a bag and hit the road… You’ve got the essentials – water, tent, sleeping bag, vitamins, toothpaste, copy of Al’s zombie haiku book (coming soon to all good Amazon websites)… What else do you grab?

Can a fellow actually fit a full-sized fall-out shelter into his hip pocket? That, and a nuclear arsenal?

8 – Who would play you in the movie of your life? Would it be a tragedy or comedy?

Jeff Bridges – in his Big Lebowski days. Or maybe in his Rooster Cogburn days. His Crazy Heart days? DEFINITELY not in his R.I.P.D. days!

As for soundtrack – that’d be a toss-up between Waylon Jennings and George Thorogood.

Screenplay written by a sober Charles Bukowski or a drunken Ernest Hemingway, directed by Michael Bay in nonsense-surround 3D Matrix-style slow bullet ballet.

9 – Doc Emmett Brown pulls up outside your house in the DeLorean from Back to the Future… He’s got a few hours to spare, and fuel for one return trip… Where and when in time are you heading?

Anywhere pre-cell-phone. Maybe mountain man days. Me, crawling across the wilderness being gnawed on by maggots and dirt cooties. Great Scott!

10 – Your beloved partner is out for the evening, and your celebrity “pass” is popping round for tea. (You know, the one celebrity who your partner would allow you to spend a night with, without it being considered cheating… that’s a thing, right?) Who knocks on your door?

All right, so let me get this straight. Jamie Lee Curtis has just dropped by on a double-date with Mariska Hargitay and I’m making tea? Okay, first off the tea goes away and the beer comes out. Maybe some Tequila. I’m making Garlic Fettucini and Howling Wolf is wailing out a loin-stirring rendition of “Wang Dang Doodle” followed up by Muddy Water’s “I Just Want To Make Love To You” – and sooner or later Michael Myers is going to come knocking at the door wearing nothing but a hockey mask and a three-foot machete and make some sort of a cutting remark.

11 – The producers of the Marvel Avengers films are worried they don’t have quite enough superheroes already crammed into the series… They call you up to play an original character. What would your character’s name be? What’s your superpower (yes, you can only have one) ?

Look, a shiny!

Let me run down this tangent for a half a moment.

I loved the first Avengers movie. I thought they hit that proper balance between comic books and reality. Only then they decided to make that second Avengers movie – the age of Ultron, which rather sounded like a gas station to me. There was way too much quipping and cheap gags. They never really did capture Ultron’s personality. The dude who was doing his voice sounded way too much like Spock with laryngitis.

I haven’t seen Civil War yet. I’m operating under a severe financial constraint this year. Only movie I saw in 2016 was that Tarzan movie – and that was only because I was given a free pair of tickets.

But you asked me what superhero I would be.

I guess that I’d have to be Captain Nothing – which is another blatant no-apologies plug for one of my books, NOTHING TO LOSE, a collection of nasty badass superhero stories starring Captain Nothing, the dude who made The Batman pee in his bat jockies.

https://amzn.com/B00VRYHVFU

Yup, I’m worse than a Public Television fund-raising marathon.

12 – You are hosting a small dinner party for the deceased… You can invite three dead people to your shindig, but you only have enough spectral energy for one mega-star “A-lister”, and any two others. Who do you summon, and why?

Let’s see – I think I’d have to have Robert Johnson over to play some blues, and maybe Milton Acorn to recite some poetry along with Charles Bukowski – and my Dad, because I never got the chance to talk to him as often as I wanted to.

13 – Any regrets?
You just flip back to that last question and simmer it on down to a slow roiling boil.

Old bold bumblebee
A man who will dress like this has few regrets…

So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen – a big thank you to Steve Vernon, a prolific writer (even if he doesn’t write every day!) with nearly 60 books under his belt, one of which is free this weekend… check him out!

 

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