Monster School Rules (poem)

NO LAUGHING. No licking
No bogey picking

No hissing, no hitting
No scaring, no spitting

No tugging, no talking
No weaving or walking

No crawling, no creeping
No classroom sleeping

No running, no roaring
And no being boring

No bashing, no bumping
No back of head thumping

No sliming, no squelching
No burping or belching

No smelling the roses,
No picking your noses
No cleaning and eating the fluff from your toeses

No furtling or fooling
No down-your-front drooling

No hiding, no seeking
No cheating or peaking

No fire, no ice
No “acting all nice”

No climbing, no cussing
No farting or fussing



The World According to Ethan (aged 3 / 4)

The superhero:
Mummy, my superpowers are finding things with a torch, being naughty, and pewing (making gun noises)…

The superhero softie:
Mummy, my superpowers are finding things with a torch, being naughty, and pewing… and cuddling you.

The comedian:
Mummy: What sound does “car” start with?
Ethan: Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmm

The argumentative:
Mummy: Ethan, can you stop calling me “bummy”?
Ethan: Well, you are bummy, to be fair.

The philosopher:
If you talk, do you exist?

The sweetheart:
Mummy: Ethan, do you like spending time with Mummy?
Ethan: I like shutting things in my face!

The Star Wars fan:
He’s funny, that little guy Yoda. Very funny.

The Highway Code-observer:
Mummy: Ethan, can you see that horse on the road?
Ethan: Yes, Mummy, but he’s not allowed to go more than 40

The cheese-lover:
Mummy, what’s an omnivore?
– Someone who eats everything, so meat and plants
And cheese?

The joker:
Do you know what rabbits and cats and pigeons and birds are rubbish at?… Clapping

The casual:
Daddy: How do you fancy beans on toast for lunch?
Ethan: Yeah that works for me

The innocent wordplayer:
Mummy, you’re an egg wanker…

The stubborn:
(On Daddy trying to explain negotiating during a “discussion”): I am not negotiating! You’re negotiating!

The “knows-his-place-in-the-family-pecking-order”:
Whenever mummy’s not around, I am the boss

3 yr old

The World According to Ethan (aged 2)

The pedant:
Mummy: Is that a monkey, Ethan?
Ethan: No. Chimpanzee, mummy.

The left-field questioner:
Where are monkey eyelashes? Mummy mend it.

The charmer:
I farters parters.

The worrier:
(Ethan trying to find his Bob the Builder toy)
Mummy: Don’t worry, we’ll find him.
Ethan: I do worry.

The decisive:
Mummy: Ethan, what do you want for lunch?
Ethan: Burger and chips. In the pub.

The narrator:
(During a silent sequence in Wall-E)
What’s that? Where’s the spaceship going? Who is that? Where’s he going to?

The boss:
(Through the baby monitor) Mummy, I’ve finished sleeping now. You come get me out of bed.

The storyteller:
Where is Elliott? (our cat) I’ve got some stories to tell her.

The seasonal:
Daddy: If there are lots of leaves on the ground, what time of year is it?
Ethan: Running time!

The listener:
(Furtling under the table) What’s that noise? It sounds like a sock noise.

The romantic:
Mummy: I love you, Ethan.
Ethan: I know. It’s really annoying.

The budding David Attenborough:
Ethan: What do animals do on the grass?
Mummy: Animals eat grass, Ethan.
Ethan: Hmm, that’s interesting Mummy!

The giver:
Mummy, I have a present for you. In my nappy.

2 yr old